mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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