Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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