I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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