The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
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I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
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also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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