I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
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She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
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Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
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