I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
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He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
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In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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