Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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