1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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