If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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