she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
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i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
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