I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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