Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
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i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
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I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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