I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
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I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
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Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I deserve this hangover.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize