Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
You smell like a Billy Joel song
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
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Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
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You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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