I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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