im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
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He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize