My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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