im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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