he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
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This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
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I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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