You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
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We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
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See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
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