I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
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how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
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Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
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