i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
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how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
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I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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