It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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