I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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