i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
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He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
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Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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