I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize