i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
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He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
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My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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