you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
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You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
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She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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