When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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