Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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