i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
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I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
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I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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