The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Sorry about my life...
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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