I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I want her autograph on my taint
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize