I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
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I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
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started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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