Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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