i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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