alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
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I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
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Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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