I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
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