3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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