Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
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I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
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Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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