It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize