Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
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That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
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