you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
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i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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