I never want to see another naked old woman again.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
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You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
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I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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