so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
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They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
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I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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