Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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