Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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