You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
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Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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