More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
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The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
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You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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