hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
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He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
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Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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